Help....

Hi,

This is all a bit new to me, so forgive me if I come across as a bit of a sad git, but I’m not sure who else to ask ;-)

My name is Paul, I’m 36 now and I’ve just been diagnosed with ‘suspected’ ADHD. I don’t know whether that is the case or not, but I do know for sure that something isn’t quite right.

I’ve been having recurring behavioural problems for years, going back as far as I remember. Don’t get me wrong - I’m not a monster and on good days, which are probably 70% of the time, I’m a nice guy and good fun to be around, but then there are other days, or just parts of days, where I’m an absolute nightmare to live with or be around.

I could say so much here and I don’t even know where to start now!

All I remember about childhood was that I was always “adamant” and not all that much has changed since ;-) I didn’t run around a lot, I didn’t figit particularly (that came later) and I wasn’t aggressive as a child (that came later too), but I always remember feeling as if I didn’t fit in, even though I was popular and could make my friends laugh.

I always saw things differently from other kids and from adults too, but I never knew why I was different and I could easily go from having a crystal clear idea of what was happening next to this weird blackness, like a “confusion” that clouded my mind.

When I was 9 or 10 I developed this habit of chewing my hands, yeah my hands - not my nails, but the skin on my fingers. I did it constantly and still do, but maybe not quite as bad as I did then.

And I fantasised constantly. Especially when I had that cloud over me. Not about weird stuff - more about doing miraculous things. That might sound funny, but I’m not sure how else to explain it - I’m still the same now, only so much of it I actually put into practise these days. It’s like these lights come on in my head and I won’t stop, just won’t stop, until I’ve created a masterpiece of what I’ve set out to do. Sometimes it’s totally irrational stuff I’m doing though.

When I got into my teens I was always up to something. If you asked my mother she’d probably say that I was a “troubled teen” and by the time I was in my late teens I was addicted to gambling, I smoked pot constantly and then I would drink too. “Party drinking”, but in hindsight I think I was always “up to something”. By my early twenties I was into “party drugs” as well as the drinking and smoking and I could keep going constantly for 2-3 days at a time, going hard at it while others fell by the wayside.

They never had “this thing inside of them” and I did. I always knew I did and when it was there it was damn hard to keep down. I could almost burst with excitement, or anxiety, when it was there. One or the other, I could never quite tell which it was.

In my mid twenties I discovered the Internet and I’ve since built a very successful business through that, but still I have days, nights, or even days and nights when everything is going so fast that I don’t even want to sleep. I can go like that for days and then it all comes crumbling down - it comes back to me and when it does I could do almost anything. Not good things though. I beat myself up in my head about everything I’ve ever done in the past and it can haunt me for days at a time.

Then I go back to my super-cheery, super-productive, full-of-energy self. When I’m good, I’m good, and I can knock out more work in a day than most normal people would probably do in a week, or more. I’m the very best at what I do - that’s what I think at least when I’m like that - but then the fireworks go off again and I can do something “totally mental” without even really knowing I do it.

And then I block it all out. I know when I’ve had a black day and that could mean that I’ve fallen out with someone, even had a fight (it’s happened a lot) or just been plain “angry” for no apparent reason. But the next day I won’t even remember a single thing I’ve done or even a single sentence I’ve said - sometimes I won’t even remember exactly where I’ve been. Too many things would have been going off in my head at the time, so I’ll forget and the whole day will be blank. And that isn’t due to any kind of substance or alcohol abuse - I haven’t done any serious stuff like that for 10 years or more.

But, I’ll tell you what - and I still feel like this now - if only I had a joint to calm things down. Don’t worry as I’m not going to do that, but that’s what it feels like. It’s the only thing that stops everything from moving so fast.

I feel like a self-destructive genius at times.

One day I’m brilliant and the next day the complete opposite.

I’m getting married in 8 weeks and my girlfriend has been worried about my manic behaviour. She things I’m getting worse as I get older.

I actually went to the doctors because I thought my blood pressure was up or that I was suffering from some kind of lifetime manic depression, but the funny thing is that I’m not really depressed.

Do you think I might have ADHD? The person I went to see at the hospital thought it almost certainly was, but she wants me to go on some kind of anti-depressant and that really is making me depressed :-)

Any help or advice would be welcome. I’m not really a “sad git” - just a bit confused.

Thanks,

Paul