Help! Need Advice! Defiant 5 year old!

Submitted by an LD OnLine user on

I work as an ICS and resource room teacher for primary students with ADD/ADHD and learning disabilities. In an ICS Kindergarten class, I have one boy I work with 1 period a day for reading. He is resistant to the help I want to give him. He is very defiant. Today he yelled at a classmate, and told her she had to have a play date with him. She said no. I told him others can choose who they want a play date with. He started screaming,” Why don’t you leave! Don’t tell me what to do! She has to have a play date with me!” I asked him to step out in the hallway with me for a “private talk.” He screamed NO. At this point the regular ed teacher came over and yelled at him, and it was time for me to go to my next class. I was very upset by this incident. I felt inadequate as a teacher, having a 5 year old refuse to follow my request.

Occasionally, I take this child out for pull-out, and he is very cooperative one-on-one. However, I am assigned to work with him in class, and he seems to resent my presence. I have told the children that I’m there to visit and work with everyone, but they know I’m his teacher.

I also think since I’m there such a short time each day, he doesn’t really see me as his teacher.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Submitted by scifinut on Thu, 11/01/2007 - 1:28 AM

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As a sub para I have found myself in similar situations. One thing I’ve found is that you can’t push a child to do something. Maybe take another tact with him as he may feel embarrassed in the classroom. Stress can often set a kid off, no matter what you do.

You may also find that this is a student who may have more going on than ADHD/LD. When mental health issues are involved, it can be very difficult to deal with.

A site I’ve found very helpful is http://www.schoolbehavior.com/behavior.htm The information on different behaviors and how to handle them is well written. There is also a great section on different mental health issues which will give you more information.

Don’t feel inadequate. There are some kids who will never be as compliant as we would like. These are challenging kids who need someone to care about them no matter what they may do. Learning to understand them on their terms can really make a difference in their lives. I know because my daughter was one of those really challenging kids. Fortunately she had a great para for several years who really took the time to develop a relationship with her, learn her style of learning and how best to manage things in the classroom. It took time and patience but I so appreciate this woman. My dd has never connected with another para in the same way because none of them have really taken the time to get to know her.

((Hugs)) and keep up the good work!

Submitted by Mermaid on Sat, 11/03/2007 - 2:33 PM

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Thanks for the advice and words of support. I really think there is something else going on with this child. The CST has tried to reopen the case, but mom won’t agree.
With older students acting defiantly, I will offer a choice if they refuse to follow directions. “Either do what I nicely asked you to do, or go talk about it with the principal. It’s your choice.” But this 5 year old threw me! Is it appropriate to send such a young child to the principal in cases like this? I want to help this child. Please help!

Submitted by scifinut on Sat, 11/03/2007 - 3:51 PM

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I would talk with his team about whether he needs to talk with the principal or maybe the school psychologist or counselor. Someone needs to try developing a good relationship with this child so he feels he has someone “safe” to talk with.

Submitted by Mermaid on Sat, 11/03/2007 - 6:41 PM

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I agree, but the school is afraid to do anything new without mom’s permission. We had suggested that he talk to the school guidance counselor, and mom won’t agree to that. And I come in and have to work with him, and the situation is deteriorating. Very frustrating!

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