I need advice. I'm so depressed

Hello,

My name is Chris. I’ve had a learning disability pretty much my whole life(maybe since age 8?). I’m 28 right now. It’s been rough. I hate it. Hated myself for a long time because I feel I’m below average when it comes to everyone I surround myself with.

I have problems with everything! If someone is telling me something to do(a boss, etc), I try really hard to listen but in the end, I barely remember what that person says. I’ll just “pretend” I know and when that person comes back asking why I didn’t do anything, I usually say sorry. It’s frustrating because those people just think I slack off/don’t bother to listen.

I simply can’t have conversations with people. When I try, most of the time I mumble or say something that has nothing to do with what the conversation is about. Job interviews are the worst. I swear, they think I’m mentally challenge after I’m finished with the interview. I prefer my communication online, because I think people understand me more rather than talking to them in person.

Watching movies, sometimes I don’t understand scenes(and they’re not even complex style movies). With music, I’m a huge fan but I have a hard time remembering song titles and albums for certain bands. Oh, don’t get me started with lyrics. I can hear a song a 1000 times and I still could not remember any of it(minus the chorus, maybe).

School was rough. Since the 3rd grade, I was getting horrible grades. I remember my 6th grade teacher gave me a sheet of answers for a couple of tests, obviously because I was bombing them and she clearly felt sorry for me. I was embarrassed that I was the only person in class getting the answers, but, at the same time, I was getting about 96%. Going from like a 45% to 96%? Yeah, I’ll take it, especially since I felt dumb as it is.

High school wasn’t any better. I was failing every single test. I studied like crazy! My mom used to help me every single night with homework, so that’s why I passed high school because I received anywhere from 70-85% on assignments(thanks to mom). Like I said, I failed most tests, but I guess it averaged out barely a pass. The teachers didn’t do much for me. When I had tests, me and few others were to leave the class to take the test elsewhere. That’s all. No help or anything. I never understood the point of that.

After high school, I was THRILLED that I was finished with school and never wanted to be associated with education ever again!!

Couple years later, I was working for my dads restaurant in a kitchen(I HATE WORKING IN RESTAURANTS) and I was at the point where I thought, “you know, why not maybe try college?”

So, I took a course with policing. It was highschool all over again….Studying VERY, VERY hard and failing all my tests. What bugged me is other students bragging how they never studied and still got A’s and B’s. I tried so hard with the study, taking notes in class but I still could not do anything right!

I failed a bunch of courses during the first 3 semesters so I took them online(with the help of my mother) while I was still taking regular classes.

I graduated college, with a horrible GPA, but I still graduated and that was probably the biggest accomplishment ever for me because so many times I was close to dropping out because the workload was too much for me and the countless hours of studying didn’t seem like was helping me.

I’m Canadian and last year I recently move to Chicago because my g/f was living here. I was depressed for a long time(for being dumb, going nowhere in life), but she has changed my life around and I love my life more than ever because of her.

So, this past January, I was finally legally allowed to work. I’d love to have a government job, work at an airport(doesn’t need to be security), anything besides restaurants. I’m not good at it. Yet, sadly, it seems that’s what catches peoples eye on my resume.

I was hired at a restaurant a a week ago. The place hasn’t opened yet. The first day I did poorly, probably rated myself at a 3.5/10. I thought, “you know, next day should be better!” No, it wasn’t. It was worse. The owner gave me and the other 2 cooks the menu to study. So, the next couple days I studied VERY HARD and I had my wife test me and I was getting 80% of them correct. Now when I got to work? Not the same. I basically forgot everything. The owner had the nerve to tell me to look over the menu next time. I was about to cry when he said that(I’m emotional), but I held it in. He was actually on me like crazy yesterday because I was forgetting things and I didn’t act quick enough for him. I know he thinks I’m not trying, I REALLY AM. I can’t help the other 2 cooks are quicker learners than me. I ask questions, for a recap, and he looks at me as if I’m an idiot or he would say a smart comment(not in a cruel way, but it still hurts).

After the shift, I was crying the whole way home. Now, I have always been emotional about my learning disability but last night was at a all time high. I was just thinking I can’t even do basic work for anyone.

I’m dreading the thought of going back tonight. It’s not just this job, every job I’ve had I have had trouble in the beginning, but as the weeks go on, I improve. With this restaurant, it’s just about to open, so I understand 100% that he wants quick learners right away. I get that.

I really wish I could of got some real advice from people in my teens, but I can’t change the past. Does anyone have any advice for me? I’d like to go see somebody, possibly do another test, since it’s been so long. Maybe do an IQ test? I just really want to know how below average I am. Is there a place I can go where people can help me findjobs in Chicago?

I hope I receive a reply or two or feel free to email me [email protected]

Thank you.