I am trying to do Audiblox with my 9 year old son this summer. His weaknesses are non-verbal ones (organization, writing, attention, motor, frustration tolerance). His verbal skills are strong. I’ve already reduced the program to 1/2 hour a day from 1 hour (breaking the exercises into 2 days and alternating days) because he absolutely hates it and we have had very few sessions without a breakdown of some sort. When my son gets frustrated, he screams, calls me names and all sorts of wonderful behavior. He even reacts inappropriately when he makes a mistake with an exercise that he is very good at (he hates making mistakes!) It’s important to note that he has been in therapy before (OT, vision, etc.) and has never been a model participant. He is so easily upset and really hates doing what he doesn’t want to do!
I’ve kept plodding along with him believing that he will eventually realize that he might as well get it over with and not allow his resistance and behavior to turn 25 minutes of work into 90 minutes of hell. But it’s a rare day that we end up without at least 1 major fit and rude and disrespectul comments from him (calling me an idiot, etc.). My husband will leave the house when we start and thinks I am doing more harm than good because of the negativity that often results. I believe that he has to learn how to do what he doesn’t want to do (or isn’t easy for him for whatever reason) because that is what will be expected of him in real life. I think it sends a terrible message to him if I allow him to quit, not to mention that I really think this program can help him perform in school to his potential.
I would truly appreciate any guidance you all could give me. I truly don’t know what’s right anymore! I’ve read this board quite a few times, but have never had the courage to post before. I greatly admire what many of you have been able to accomplish and am so frustrated because although I am willing to do anything to help my son, he resists almost anything I want to do!
Lori
Re: Am I doing the right thing? (Resistant/difficult child)
I think Linda is right about the disengaging. I too have done many circles of being firm with my youngest but I have always let my annoyance (and sometimes) anger show. I do think he is at least border line ADHD too—so there is the element of helping himself too. I also think the ADHD characteristics make my son enjoy my reaction too. In fact he told me not too long ago that he likes to make me mad!! But I have seen big changes with this approach. I think it is easier because he is 6 not 9 though!
One thing I have done that has helped I think is make the punishment only that day. That way you can have a clean slate the next day and avoid the escalating punishments that these kids often seem to bring on themselves. So last night I del. took the older two for a rollar blade excursion and not him. He had to take a bath instead. He cried. I honestly would not have gone rollar blading with school starting today but I wanted him to miss something significant but wanted the punishment to be over.
Beth
Disengaging
Hi Beth!
Matthew has told me flat out several times that he enjoys the drama of it all! I’m trying not to be too optimistic, but I’m really seeing some results here! He has slipped a few times with a “whatever”, but catches himself immediately and corrects himself. I’ve cut him a break when he’s done a quick correction!
He had an explosive reaction to a disappointing situation today (got really upset and yelled as he ran out of the room). I calmly walked to him and told him that his reaction was unacceptable and as a result he couldn’t have his lemonade stand today or tomorrow (he had his hopes on having a lemonade stand today, but had to go to karate instead).
I know he’s a much more intense kid than most, but we’ll if he really can control these intense reactions when he’s really frustrated or disappointed!
Lori
Re: Am I doing the right thing? (Resistant/difficult child)
Lori,
I think the enjoyment of drama is the aspect our kids that we have not taken into account previously. Like you, I have done many things with my youngest, but mostly unsuccessfully. While I tried to consider the payoff he got from misbehaving, it didn’t occur to me that he enjoyed getting me upset. I saw myself being very consistent without much effect. Well, I may have been consistent in punishment but the punishment didn’t negate the fact that he enjoyed seeing me upset!!! That was why, I now think, my punishments seemed to not have much affect on his behavior. And, of course, the harder I tried to be consistent and the less effect it had, the madder I got.
He goes to a parochial school which is very structured. He has had very calm teachers. No wonder they have a different kid than I have had!!!
Beth
Hi Lori,
Sounds like you are on the right track. I think disengaging is really the key. Some kids really thrive on the drama of the negative attention.
I know my son did.
It just isn’t like that anymore.